


I keep my eyes on the door (but I remember)

by TheRegularWriter



Series: Even in the clutches of certain doom... you're happy to have each other [17]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brotherly Affection, Canon Divergence, Character Death In Dream, Complex-PTSD, Depression, Established Lars/Sadie, Fear of Death, Flashbacks, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Introspection, POV Steven Universe, Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Steven-centric, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:35:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29300499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRegularWriter/pseuds/TheRegularWriter
Summary: Steven knows the good days and the bad. He’s felt the bad several times, but he always got through it. Steven never allowed it to get in the way for too long.But the gray days are different. The gray comes out of warning and it’s never obvious.
Relationships: Lars Barriga & Steven Universe, Minor Lars/Sadie
Series: Even in the clutches of certain doom... you're happy to have each other [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1573531
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	I keep my eyes on the door (but I remember)

**Author's Note:**

> **// TRIGGER WARNINGS - suicidal ideation, suicidal thoughts**
> 
> While I know I shouldn't apologize, I will do so anyway because I am NOT original, and fanfiction is my only coping mechanism, so everything I write is repetitive :'v
> 
> But yeah... I've been in an emotional rollercoaster lately. There are nights where I feel so terrible I want to end my life. Like, I'm going to therapy, I've got a really cute puppy, and I reach out to my brother and/or a suicide hotline when I need... but the feeling never fades away and it fucks me up. :(
> 
> PLEASE be careful, because this story describes a suicide attempt. You don't need to read this if it triggers you. Stay safe. <3

_Guess your dreams always end_

_ They don't rise up, just descend _

_ But I don't care anymore _

_ I've lost the will to want more _

_(...)_

_ I'm not afraid anymore _

_ I keep my eyes on the door _

_ But I remember _

_ \- **[Insight](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owjTYe4K1hk&ab_channel=JoyDivision-Topic)** , Joy Division _

Everything is gray.

Nothing is wrong with the world itself if that makes sense. Beach City is the same plethora of colors, the warmth blessed by the soft breeze, the diversity of people, the laughing children, the sand in his feet and hands, the seagulls singing in the distance.

Even so, it all… _feels_ gray.

The gray is much like the inside of White Diamond’s head. Automatic, forcing a smile. Empty. Deprived of essence.

As far as he’s concerned, however, he’s not being mind-controlled.

* * *

Steven knows the good days and the bad. He’s felt the bad several times, but he always got through it. Steven never allowed it to get in the way for too long.

But the gray days are different. The gray comes out of warning and it’s never obvious.

Steven smiles through it. He cracks jokes and laughs. He helps gems and spends time with his friends as usual. He’s far from looking miserable – no, he’s seemingly normal most of the time. Yet when the night comes, the gray confronts him. What fills his chest is not just the tiredness after a long day. It’s an endless, empty and yet crushing weight that has never actually faded away. Somehow, it’s trapping him and staring at him.

To avoid it, Steven usually reads, watches a dumb TV show or gazes at the sea from his home. Stargazing in particular tends to help him relax and sort out his thoughts.

Except the stars are no longer guiding him. Because they only guide him through the darkness. The stars are useless in the gray.

His bed suddenly doesn’t feel as comfortable as it should be.

* * *

He knows he’s drawing himself away. He knows the gray absorbs his all, little by little.

It’s slowing him down. He can’t do anything right. He starts messing up more often at the school, at everything he does. Yet Steven is still going because everyone needs him; he could never give them up.

Regardless, Steven finds no pleasure or patience. Nothing in the world can soothe the gray. At some point, the sixteen-year-old can no longer avoid it with the things he likes, with his classes at Little Homeschool or even with the lighthearted calls with his dad and Connie. Because they all become gray to him, too.

* * *

When he receives the text that the gems will be away for a couple days, Steven might feel the tiniest bit of despair.

He’s obviously gotten used with being alone at this point – because stars, he’s sixteen and rebuilt an entire galaxy away from his family –, but he almost, almost cries for them. He actually gets to call his guardians and maybe convince them to stay.

Until he realizes.

And then, he wishes them a nice fieldtrip.

“Bye-bye, Steven!” they say. “We love you!”

It takes everything out of him to say _I love you_ back.

When they hang up, the gray has enveloped him whole.

* * *

This is perhaps his most powerful enemy. It’s unreachable, invisible and yet omnipresent.

Steven tries. Oh, does he try.

But nothing can be done.

Nothing, except…

He goes for it.

…

Yet he soon returns home, no one wondering where he might be.

In the next day, the gem students at Little Homeworld greet him the same way as every day. They smile at him and see nothing wrong.

They have _no idea_.

(Does he even **want** them to know?)

Later at night, Steven lets out silent tears for the first time in days (weeks? He has no idea).

* * *

Despite everything, his schedule doesn’t change. He refuses to change it, so everything goes normal for the rest of the week. Finally, on Thursday, he’s heading to Lars’ house for a baking session. Steven has agreed to help him with the stuff from his pastry shop. Unlike Little Homeschool, which can be quite a handful sometimes, his time with Lars tends to be the most carefree he has, because Steven only works on pastries – he gives them some of his personality, crafting beauties with Lars’ amazing skills.

He has no idea how he will do it now, but he will try.

When he arrives, he hates to admit that a wave of relief washes over him at the sight of only Lars and no one else. The Off Colors and sometimes Mrs. Barriga join in and help them, but that’s not the case today.

Somehow, the instant Steven gets in the kitchen, Lars already questions if he’s okay. To be fair, though, he’s had others ask the same thing lately, except he managed to escape through the circumstances. The thing about Lars, however, is that he’s possibly the most stubborn person Steven knows – maybe on the same league as Jasper, even if in different ways.

Consequently, Lars has seen through the younger boy’s bad days before. The ex-space pirate would immediately postpone their baking time to help Steven get some rest. The sixteen-year-old has vented, has turned pink and raged in front of his friend.

But what can Lars do with the gray? What can he do when _he_ is gray like everything else?

In the very least, Lars can tell how exhausted Steven is, even if it’s not your common exhaustion. The bowls and ingredients are forgotten in the counter as the older boy guides Steven to his bedroom. Lars talks to him in a rather soft voice, but Steven can’t quite pay attention; all his words sound gray and static. Eventually, Steven acknowledges he’s lied down, and the door closes somewhere. Silence greets him once again and he has no idea whether it’s comforting or not.

The blanket does little to warm him. The skyscrapers above are not enough to catch his attention. It’s like Steven is floating in a pool that is neither cold nor hot. But it swallows him either way and can easily drown him without him noticing.

Thus, Steven sinks in and barely realizes when his eyes close.

* * *

The smell of strawberries is nice, but it’s no longer tasteful.

The sight of the Gem Battlefield is quite beautiful. Obviously, he could never admire the tragedy and brutality of war, yet nature has grown back in what was once a dead place.

Steven walks.

(He no longer runs to catch up with anyone. Nor does he guide them.)

Until he’s too close to the edge.

The ground below is hidden beneath the thousands of trees far away. Once upon a time, Steven almost fell there twice. The first time he was saved by Pearl and Amethyst. The second, he was expected to climb on his own. Both times, he didn’t want to fall.

Now, Steven notices it’s not as gray as everything else. It’s actually quite green down there.

He leans in.

A tiny part of his brain yells. Demands he walks back to safety. He shouldn’t do this, he can’t leave everyone behind. What would they think of him?

But the green, the green is so beautiful. It might solve everything. It might help and silence the gray for once and for all. He can’t stay in the gray anymore. He needs to catch the green.

He’s not scared of the height anymore.

The green sounds so peaceful. He can tell the birds are singing under his feet.

(A final song.)

The wind levitates his pink jacket. He looks up, knowing this will be the last time he stares at the gray.

(Will he miss it? Maybe. He’s stayed here for too long.)

The sunset is coming to an end, the light reaching the green down him.

Steven takes a breath.

He embraces him.

The falling wind is the only sound he hears. The gray no longer blinds or deafens him. It’s going away, and Steven knows he’s getting to the bottom soon.

He closes his eyes.

 ** _Crack_**.

* * *

His stomach bewilders him, as though he’s hit the ground.

It’s not hard, however. It’s surprisingly soft. There’s the scent of wood and clothes surrounding him, and he might recognize the vague smell of chocolate and butter.

Steven’s heart pounds in midst of the gray. He’s unsure if he should be relieved or disappointed that he’s sitting on a bed. Which is not his, he realizes. Right. He’s in Lars’ bedroom.

Despite how big it is, Steven can’t breathe. He can’t stay there.

He barely processes himself rushing downstairs, not as he somehow hears the wind and the birds singing. Is he seeking it? Is he running away from it? Why is he scared?

When the boy arrives, he finds no green in spite of the colorful home. Steven searches for something, anything. And then he’s staring inside the kitchen, where he recognizes laughter. Lars is talking to someone on the phone, while he prepares what appears to be pancakes and a mug of hot chocolate – which is also filled with marshmallows, Steven completes. It’s what Lars makes him when Steven stays a little longer, or when he has bad days.

He doesn’t know why, but Lars isn’t as gray as before. Steven can actually make it to what his friend is saying. Lars is talking to Sadie, laughing at something she’s telling him. At one point, she seems to ask something as Lars changes the subject.

“… ah no, sorry, I’m staying here tonight. Steven is… I dunno.” Lars’ smile fades in worry. “I’ve seen him have bad days before, but there’s something different this time. It seems… familiar, but somehow I have no idea either.”

There’s a brief pause before he sighs exaggeratedly and resumes, “Hopefully my masterful pancake might cheer him up a little?” He snorts at something Sadie said. “Oh, you know my pancakes make everything better! Steven loves them!” He pauses again and gasps, “ **Betrayal**!”

Steven makes it to Sadie’s laughter on the speaker, even if it’s barely audible. Lars sighs again in defeat.

“Ugh, alright. I’ll call you back, okay?” he promises. The pink teen soon… blushes and protests, “Wha- I’m _not_ the Mom Friend! Stop calling me that!” With his glare, Steven can assume that Sadie will definitely not quit it. “ _Bye_ , Sadie!” Lars jokes – until he softly adds, “Get some rest, okay? Yeah, I’ll tell Steven you said hi. Okay, love ya. Bye.”

The pink boy finally hangs up and it’s only when he turns around that he notices Steven.

“Woah, hey! Didn’t notice you there,” Lars clears his throat in embarrassment. He frowns a little when he actually pays attention to the other boy, who hasn’t moved or said a thing since. “Steven? Are you okay?” Lars asks.

The younger, for once, finds pink. Not the enraging pink that would blind his senses at times, but the welcoming pink that has accepted him before. That has comforted him before. And Steven—

Steven immediately launches himself forward, arms holding tight onto the pink. He loses air, his lungs are aching and his heart races his entire body. Lars is trying to talk to him, Steven notices, yet he can’t focus on it as he refuses to let go.

The moment Steven releases a loud sob, Lars wraps his arms around him back. They feel so solid that Steven cries harder. He hasn’t had this mess of feelings in such a long time that it overwhelms him, and Steven can’t help but crave it. He needs to run away from the gray and reach out for the pink.

Because he realizes, he could have lost it. He would never smell the pancakes and the hot chocolate, and he wouldn’t feel Lars’ arms ever again.

Steven hides in the hug, because he also knows Lars would never forgive him if he knew. How could Steven get so blinded by the gray?

The boy feels small as he sobs, weeps and clings to his friend. Lars is trying to calm him down by soothing his back up and down. As Steven focuses on that, his breath begins to return to its rhythm, and his heart no longer hammers his senses. For once, Lars tries to pull Steven away, even if just to look at him. The latter refuses; he knows Lars is going to ask. While the captain never pressures him to talk, Lars is definitely freaked out right now, which isn’t fair to him, Steven knows. But he can’t tell him.

“Steven,” Lars calls him, pleading, “can you look at me? Please?”

The younger shakes his head, sniffing in the other’s chest.

“Steven, you’re _scaring_ me, what happened?” Lars insists more firmly while patiently. “Did you get hurt?”

The young boy keeps shaking his head, yet he ends up saying something for once. Hiccupping, he lets out, “I d-did”—he sobs—“I did something **awful** , Lars!”

“What?”

“Y-You’re…” Steven gulps, “you’re going to hate me…”

“Steven, I would never hate you. You know that, right?”

“Lars—”

“You can tell me, buddy, I won’t be mad—”

Steven fists his shirt. “I JUMPED, Lars!” he snaps, “I actually jumped from the Gem Battlefield and I fell all the way down, because- because everything is _gray_ and empty, and I wanted it to STOP! I w-wanted!... I…”

Despite his uncontrollable sobbing, the kitchen has grown awfully silent. Lars’ hands still and the hug doesn’t feel as comforting anymore.

“F-For a moment, it felt _good_. I wanted to feel good. Nothing was making me happy anymore, and I thought that… that falling was gonna help. But I”—Steven shuts his eyes forcefully— “I got so scared that I floated until I landed. I couldn’t do it. I **couldn’t**.”

Steven’s voice becomes smaller and smaller, that he sounds like a scared child. Like the same fourteen-year-old child that didn’t know how to get through the Crystal Gems missions.

“And even then, I…” he opens his mouth before realizing it, “I still feel like I’m there, like I’m falling and falling… there’s nothing ahead of me. Nothing but the end, the end to all this gray and”—he gasps—“a-and even though I can’t see it, I know I’m going to reach it. I’m getting so close to the bottom. T-The worst part is, I don’t know if I _want_ to.”

Lars is so still. The fact he was once dead terrifies Steven. Lars is immobile, his heartbeat nowhere to be felt and his breaths, gone. It only breaks Steven more, to the point the younger boy slowly loses his grip around his friend and drops to his knees. He faces the floor, his falling tears and his own shame.

“I’m useless. I-I’m… I don’t know anything. I can’t do any of this anymore, and I’m so scared,” Steven admits. At the long lack of response, he shoves his face in his hands and cries, “I’m sorry. I’m _sorry_.”

He cries in the silence again. His emotions are still surrounded by the gray and Steven can’t take it any longer. He doesn’t know how to get through this.

(Sickeningly, he might regret coming back home at all. He could have _ended_ this.)

Steven expects an answer. He awaits the angry yelling, the disbelief – _How could you do that?!_ –, or even nothing at all.

When Steven listens to another pair of legs reaching his level, he can’t control the flinch and the tiny sob that follows. Not too long after, he’s…

… he’s yanked back in Lars’ arms.

It’s the tightest Steven has ever been hugged.

Lars still says nothing.

But he holds Steven like it’s the end of the world, and he reassures without words that he’s not letting go.

His hugs are different from the gems’. They’re not engulfing, they’re not delicate or motherly. Lars is vulnerable – he's shaking and his breaths are deep, trying hard not to lose themselves to tears. He’s broken and he’s _human_. Although he's Lars of the Stars, he's not necessarily a star himself. By simply holding the other boy, Lars swears to be there, in the good, the bad and the gray – even if they might not find a solution now, or in a long time.

Steven lets out muffled screams, tears as wet and aching as Blue Diamond’s. He glows pink, brighter than ever.

(And he’s actually relieved for that.)

* * *

After that day, Lars offers Steven to sleep over at his house when the gems go on fieldtrips. While a little reluctant, the latter accepts the kind invitation. The Barrigas are the sweetest people he’s known.

The gray for once stops absorbing everything. It’s not gone. It might never be gone. But Steven can find the joy, even if small, in the things he likes again. People do notice the difference, but they don’t fully question it.

He also notices that Lars has begun hugging him more often. Which is kind of unlike him; but Lars is always willing to hug him, maybe a little longer and tighter.

… To be honest, Steven is not complaining. It’s good to remember. When they hug, Steven almost forgets completely about the gray.

Things are slowly going back to normal, though in a different, good way.

* * *

One night, Lars invites Steven over – much to his surprise, Sadie is joining them. Steven hasn’t seen Sadie in person for a long time. She looks so different and so happy; it’s always a little odd to realize she’s shorter than him.

Even so, the three of them together brings him a sense of nostalgia. Steven, Lars and Sadie had their own adventures. Their own ups and downs. It takes Steven back to the mornings and afternoons at the Big Donut.

This time, Lars and Sadie hold hands, sitting side by side. Lars has baked them the good old Ube they shared two years ago. Steven doesn’t actually talk that much but he’s comfortable with that. He likes listening to Sadie, and her teasing Lars – still on the “Mom Friend” dilemma. Lars merely argues it’s because of his pink powers, but Sadie exposes his “mother instincts” to debunk the excuse.

Steven is smiling. Lars’ face flushes and Sadie’s laughter sounds pure. She plants kisses on the pink boy’s cheek, which manages to get a flustered grin out of him.

Nothing about the situation is remotely gray. Everything is alive. Everyone is bright and themselves. And Steven is… himself, too.

…

“Oh, Steven, what happened?”

Sadie stares at him with concern and a little surprise. Lars isn’t particularly shocked but he’s sympathetic. When Steven feels water wetting his hand, he dries his face. Only for him to laugh wetly and make an even bigger tearful mess.

“S-Sorry, I’m okay,” Steven reassures them, truthfully, “I’m okay. I just…” He laughs again. “I-I love you guys so much.”

“Aw, Steven… we love you, too,” Sadie replies, heartfelt. Lars doesn’t mention it, but his smile means the same.

Once Steven sobs, both Lars and Sadie go to him and hug the boy. They ruffle his curly hair and squeeze him between them.

Steven has never been so thankful for his friends.


End file.
